I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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