Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
