Hey man sorry I got all grabby
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
