I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
