I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
