Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
