even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
