I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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