community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My ATM looks so different sober.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
