I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
