Too much gin, very little bucket
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
