why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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