i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
