i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
She bit a glass in half.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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