I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
