he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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