I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
