They should really pass out barf bags in church
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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