Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
