I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Randomize
