omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
