the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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