i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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