I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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