The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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