Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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