i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Randomize
