a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
