If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
