Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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