hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
