the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
