high people should be assigned attendants
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
