Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
