He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
