Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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