What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
