My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
