i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
