it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
