dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
