I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
