1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
