I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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