My girlfriend figured out who you are.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
