my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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