he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
