So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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