Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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