I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
