so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
