I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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