In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
